As my Age-o-meter starts to turn….a double click…into that AARP realm of early bird specials and sharing a meal because it’s “just too darn big for one person”……I reflect at where I am at. Okay, moving on….
The past month has been a grinding reminder of my big 5-0. I t’s bad enough to be in the s-s-s-s-senior zone. Wait; I need a moment…….
But all at once my body has decided to become a member of the zombie apocalypse . (cue violin music and pass me a Xanax)
Let’s start with a confluence of the medical appointments that make me feel more than twice my age.
Dermatology and Dentistry collide! After going to the dentist for a molar implant (the last of 8 appointment s for a 9 month procedure) I popped over to the dermatologist for a skin check…
Well that looks suspicious (Snip). Ooh! Don’t like the looks of that! Stab, slice and off to the lab! Okay, those are pre-cancer cells (Freeze, freeze) and here’s some cream for those oil glands that are still going gung-ho after all these years!
Really? So the only things that are youthful on me are acne prone skin and a greasy forehead…sweet!
Did I mention my trip to the Podiatrist?
Apparently that awful pain in my big toe is a bone spur.
Yeah, it’s laying right under the nerve and tendon that flexes the toe. The first option was a brace designed to stop the toe from bending. Since I envision myself swinging from a bell tower while dragging my offending appendage behind, I voted no as soon as that option was tossed out. Option two is foot surgery at the end of summer. I should have it sooner, but I’m in school full-time (34 year bachelor program) and I don’t have a break until summer semester ends.
And of course my eye doctor had something to say about my latest glaucoma check. Apparently my pressures, which have always been on the high-end, have gotten to the point of needing medication to lower it. Part of the eye drop’s side effects include eyelash growth. For some that could be a bonus; for me…not so much. Whenever I do theater I always leave the mascara off because, If I use it, I looked like a drunk mime… or Liza Minnelli .
We’ll go with Liza.
One would think that’d be enough, right? Well, never say I don’t do things thoroughly. The day before my birthday, I get to have hand surgery! It’s called trigger finger.…yippy ty yi yay! It’s because I’ve been a massage therapist for twenty-five years and my tendons are not very happy. But why before my birthday? I told everyone it would be more dramatic to hear, “he’s only forty-nine, bless his heart” than “Well what do you expect, he’s fifty!” Yesterday I got to have an EKG and blood tests prior to the surgery because of…MY AGE! Funny, the vet uses the same line about my dog before she gets her teeth cleaned.
Today I met with a nurse at the surgery center (it’s like launching the space shuttle, I tell you). We talked about the procedure and my medical history, her bursitis, my love of coffee and her new hair cut…Lookin’ good Barbara!
Then we got down to the “day of” checklist. When she said, “No makeup and no jewelry.” I shot back, “Well I’m gonna look like hell without lipstick and my favorite tiara.” Barbara, fortunately, has a great sense of humor. “Oh you’ll love this one then! No deodorant.” I looked at her and said, “Wow! I hope the staff gets combat pay because I’m gonna be nervous and spritzing for about two hours before they finally lift that arm up !”
I will be spending my birthday lying on the couch looking like something from “The Mummy ‘s hand”. Small incision…LOTS of wrapping.