I’m sure we’ve all had “one of those days.” yeah….well here’s some snippets from mine.
Let me preface this by saying: I had no sleep the night before because I kept re-writing a paper (in my head) and if my partner wasn’t snoring, my dog was whining in his sleep.
This morning it all started when I called a new doctor for an appointment. I had to go through the whole “unique name” scenario I blogged about in “There Must Be Some Mistake.”
While sipping a cup of coffee and removing belly button lint, I get a call from my partner, Jake:
Don’t be alarmed, but rescue is on the way. Apparently dad hit his emergency button as he was taking his dog out and wasn’t inside to respond to the operator when she called to see if he needed help.
As I got off the phone I see the fire truck and ambulance turn the corner… and keep going. Huh. The problem is we live on the Corner and our house sits at an angel on a large lot. Technically our address is on the street to the left of our house, but our front door faces the connecting street. If you arrive at our exact street address, you’re facing our large, detached, two car garage. This apparently had perplexed and flummoxed both drivers. I donned my robe and slippers and headed out across our half acre lot to reel them in. They were standing on the street at my next door neighbors discussing the situation.
“This way,” I called out, “But it’s a false alarm so take your time. My father in-law has accidentally hit his panic button.” I led them to his front door and we entered. Chuck, bless his heart, was sound asleep…on top of his cell phone…which my partner had been trying to call him on. The “rescue team” and I explained to him what happened and he apologized profusely and the fireman left. I went back to my house and Chuck went back to sleep.
Halfway through my second cup of Java my partner called, “I’m on my way home.” I numbly asked, “Now what?” Apparently the firemen hadn’t closed the door completely and Pal, Chuck’s obese golden lab, had gotten out. As I trudged back outside, still in my robe and slippers, I saw Chuck get into his car to go on a search for “Jabba the Mutt”. I rounded the corner calling “Pal! Pal!” Lo and behold, there was the fat bastard sitting under an orange tree.
He heard Chuck’s car come to life, and lumbered by me. I instinctively snagged his collar. I hung on for dear life, as my slippers glided effortlessly across the morning dew. We rounded the corner of the house and Pal headed straight for Chuck’s car as it drove down the street. I was doing quite well until we hit the driveway; slippers don’t skid on dry concrete. Out of my slippers I flew and out of my mouth exploded, with great reverberating clarity, the “F” word.
Fortunately I catapulted into the side of Pal’s ample frame and knocked him off balance just enough to stop him. I looked over to Chuck’s apartment and the door was standing wide open. I drug Pal over, dumped him into the living room and slammed the door. I scrounge around for my cell phone and called Jake as I retrieved my slippers.
When he answered I said:
the good news is, I’ve found the dog. The bad news is, I’ve lost your Father. Circle the house and head West. That’s the last sighting I had.
Ten minutes later Chuck and Jake arrived home.
Later that day……
If any of you in Jacksonville were outside at all today, you know the wind was blowing in gust upwards of 20 miles an hour. On the way to a fabulous mid-term exam I decided to stop for a Diet Pepsi and some Corn Nuts; brain food and caffeine. As I stepped out of my car I was buffeted by the winds. My hair was blown every which way and the door of my car slammed shut behind me. I faintly heard the sound of an engine. No! It couldn’t be! I rounded the corner and there I saw some yard guy with a leaf blower! Seriously? I stop and watch in utter astonishment. He was blowing leaves for all he’s worth in a wind storm!
As he got a pile out of the corner it flew up into the air and moved across the parking lot…….to the other corner. Oh but wait! There was another guy in the parking lot doing the same thing with a second leaf blower. Uh-huh. With his giant headphones on, he turned to survey the new pile of leaves that suddenly appeared as if by magic. With a mighty blast from his blower, he sent the leaves high into the air. They swirled majestically in the afternoon sun and landed somewhere in the middle of the parking lot. In tandem the lawn guys began to attack from both sides, oblivious to each other’s relentless pursuit of a leaf free zone. Of course mother nature was having a grand old time playing along with these two idiots.
Shaking my head in utter disbelief I went into the store to make my purchase. The woman behind the counter looked amazing; like a cross between Madonna (gap in the front teeth) Giselle (Long legs and model thin), Shakira (the hair) and Sade (the lazy eye). I approach the counter and she totals the purchase up. $6.56. I hand her a twenty and then 60 cents. Uh-oh. She’s already wrung up the $20 and instinctively dropped the coins into the tray without counting them. Now she’s looking perplexed.
She thinks……then says…”It was $6.56 and you gave me $20.40, right?” I knew this was not going to end well. “No, I gave you $20.60,” More perplexed looks at the register. She pulls fourteen dollars out of the till and hands it to me. I think, “Good enough”. As I turn to leave she’s gathers a handful of change and says, “Can I drop the rest into the needy children’s fund?” I nodded, “By all means.”
As I passed the gas pumps I saw a woman desperately trying to stretch a gas hose to the opposite side of her car. She apparently didn’t know what side her gas door was on. Not to be daunted, she decided to stretch the hose over her trunk. Her car was 6 feet from the pump and for all of her gymnastics, that hose was not going to reach. As I got into my car I saw her lunging with one foot planted on the bumper and the head of the hose wedged firmly under her bosom, This was not going to end….oh yes, as a small burst gas shot out from the nozzle. She let go of the “F” word too!
I think I did pretty well on the test. I had no Idea what Syllogism was so I wrote: A Girl Scout cookie with chocolate drizzle and little multicolored sprinkles on top. Oh; and I don’t think Pathos was the third Musketeer… but I could be wrong. It was just one of those days……